Today I said it. I said a phrase that I never dreamed would cross my lips. I've been feeling it for a while - but I had managed to stuff it down, way down, for months. Today I said it, "I just can't do this anymore."
I wear the promise on my wrist every day, like a tattooed reminder. I read it. It reads me. "Lean not on your own understanding." Today the words mock me. I have no understanding to lean on, and if I did - I wouldn't be trusting it. I feel tired. I feel beat up. I feel like I've had my dream taken from me. A carrot dangled.
I don't want to bow to the belief that it could be coming to an end. I don't want to succumb to a different dream. I feel called to this one and don't want to wake up.
The questions come like flood waters: "Why did it have to be like this?", "I'm not trying to make it hard, so why is it?", "Will it ever be peaceful again?", "Has something broken that cannot be fixed?" I feel like a piece of my soul has cracked. I've recently learned that fireflies when captured, lose the will to illuminate... I feel like I'm stuck in a jar - everyone looking in and watching, but feeling my light going out.
If I trust Him with all my heart and submit to him, where will I land in that free fall? How far will I have to drop before the hand of mercy intervenes and catches me? I'm pretty sure it will be farther than I'm comfortable and pretty sure I will spend the last several feet before striking bottom wishing for a reversal in gravity.
Catch me. I'm all but begging. I know you will... just don't let it be too long. Isaiah 30