Today is 39. I'm standing right on the edge of 40, peering in to the next chapter, and trying to discern what it might hold. It's a cathartic release to be writing today - something I feel like I'd want to have preserved. One day I'll look back and say, 'Really? That's what was on my mind the eve of 40? If I'd only known what was facing me...'
I also don't think it's coincidence that here standing on this precipice it feels like transition is absolutely everywhere, not only in making the leap to 40, but all through my life.
Things at my work are undone and complicated. I'm looking at a new position, getting people in the right seats on the proverbial bus and trying to sort through the relational mire of years of poor communication and lack of accountability. Seemingly, every solution has its major difficulties and while I'm no stranger to hard or the challenging and not afraid to stare it down, every solution seems to land me in a place where I am bringing the team right to the edge of the promised land, but will not be allowed to enter. I'm wrestling with the pride of wanting to prove I can do it all, and the reality that I simply cannot. I'm wrestling with what my position will ultimately be and the impact I will ultimately have for the Kingdom. Will it be enough? Will we come up with a solution that will make the greatest impact for the future? I feel like we are laying groundwork today for the future that will be great... but I also get the sense that, while a part of this greatprivilege, I am aware that I probably will be watching from the sidelines cheering on those ceiling to floor,ceiling to floor. `
Greg's work is on unsteady footing. We are looking at the real possibility of a buy out by ATI and whether or not he will stay. It's all he's ever done and all professionally he knows. He faces the fear of the unknown provision. Trusting the Lord, sure, but walking cautiously into a tunnel we are not sure has light. If not this, then what? If not here, then where? To compete or not. Tons of what's next.
We are needing to make a decision regarding high school for Ethan. Leaving the security of a community school and stepping into the major change not only of high school, but of a schooling situation that is completely different than the last 7 years. Change. Hard.
However, 40 is full of promise (which I will publicly write about) and 40 will be good... brave. brass. bold. Comfortable in my own skin kind of thing.
On the eve of 40 - I'm happy and can't wait to see all that God has for me and my little family.