I'm officially over it. I'm completely and utterly done. When the Partner met with the Offender, to stand up for my honor... he said it went well. It's pride. He is struggling to deal with it. And quite honestly, I'm struggling with his pride as well. I will wind up bowing to what he wants in order to make it better. I can feel it. He will gravel and it will be great for a season and I will lose my soul to the Offender again. I am mad. So mad. Bitter for the loss. Bitter for having to go through this again. Bitter that I don't handle this better. Bitter that I'm losing days, weeks, hours of my life to an avoidable event. I take another sip of poison.
Do you seriously want me to drink the flask dry? Currently it seems like it never empties. I keep waiting to take in the last drop to say I'm done, but it keeps refilling. I take another huge drink. I want to run so fast and hard right now. I want to pile in the bed, forget all responsibility and not ever go back. I want to throw my head back and scream until my lungs give out.
Tears won't come. I am seriously mad.
I will have to stand on that stage again. I will have to look him in the eyes and see the contempt. I will have to push all of this down and pretend it doesn't hurt. I will have to sit in meetings and put on a happy face. I will have to make concession in the schedule, the planning, the day to day to accomodate his pride. I am just so over it. This is one of those days, a rare one, but I am standing up and shouting, 'this isn't fair.'